2018 Get some wine and whine

I have never thought that a year can past so fast. The craziest thing though is not that you have done so much and time passed quietly. It is that you haven’t done much in a day except daydreaming but then ‘boom!’ a year has just passed.

I started off this year without having to go to school and so I decided to get a job in an education center and an outlet store. Working in the education center is not that challenging but the salary is not that high either and therefore I worked more in the outlet store. Every day is just the same. You stand for a long time, do some packing and unpacking, get home for dinner and a shower, and the day is over. I felt some tired I didn’t even have the energy to whine as I slowly became paralyzed. Come to think of it, I might as well be a construction worker, given that it would still be tiring anyway.

Finally, I came to Europe, the place which I was longing for. I hoped I would find directions in my life, yet I just seemed to keep struggling and getting lost, only in another country. At least I have been to Europe and it is really a great thing for me given that the first time I traveled to a different country was when I was 18. Although It cost a lot, the experience of exchanging is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I would prefer spending money on it rather than spending money on expensive clothes or sneakers.

After this long trip, I thought of the chances of emigrating. Should I go to Germany to study a master degree and then find a job there? Maybe I can emigrate to Germany after spending a few years working there. Hong Kong is declining and the future is not bright for us by any means. However, to emigrate to another country requires a lot. Also, does emigration solve all the problems you have or give you what you need? The passion in a specific country can be the main reason for people to move to a new country. But for me, there are no places which give me a feeling like that. Emigration, to some extent, is giving up your own culture and all the connections you had in your hometown. I wonder if it is worth all the effort. As I spent quite some time in a foreign land, I slowly realized everyone had their own problems. When you got rid of old problems back in your home country, new problems would come along as you come to a new country. To emigrate, you need a strong determination. I don’t have a special reason to move away from Hong Kong except for the little vanity of being special. My roots are in Hong Kong and it is not easy to move away. I hope society (or the government)won’t force me out of this precious place and let HongKongers be desperate again.

I only have a few lessons for the semester which has just passed. A week passed so quietly and fast without me doing anything. You would scold me for being a slob and finding anything to do. However, I just don’t want to be like before again when I was so busy and didn’t have time to do or think of anything. I believe this kind of life would not be lacking in the near future, so why should we rush into it, not to mention that I don’t have much desire for consuming. Earning more in this stage of life doesn’t mean much to me. People who work hard to earn money would despise people like me. Unfortunately, I am this kind of people. I am so idealistic that I won’t do anything unless it makes perfect sense for me. Thus I start doing nothing.

It becomes harder for me to grow interested in anything. I can’t even get addicted to video games, which is quite ironic as I was so addicted to it back in secondary school. When you take things so lightly, you feel like you are living in the way of Buddhism. You don’t want to be stained with dust and so your life becomes stagnant. However, coming to this world, you can’t stay away from dust. You must have desires that push you to walk. No matter you are stepping back or getting lost, you are still walking. When your life is stagnant for too long, you would become dull. Like me, I’m gradually losing the passion of life. I used to explicitly tell people I love playing basketball. Now I can’t confidently tell a thing that I like passionately and I am willing to pursue. I think words are important to me and I need them to be the medium for me to express myself. Am I so passionate about it that I must pursue it as a career? I am not sure. All things are so uncontrollable and you can lose them all in just a second. Having been through so many ups and downs, you grew to know how to protect yourself but at the same time became more coward. Is it a blessing or a curse?

Having been through absolute loneliness, you are forced to acknowledge the importance of companions. There is not much to say about it. You will become insane if you are alone for too long as I have tried it myself. As a naturally passive and introverted person, I sometimes unwittingly get into the vicious circle of wanting and resisting simultaneously to get along with people. Maybe deep down, getting along with people is tiring for me. I often want to be alone for some time to regain my energy. Then I forget to get myself out of this situation. Maybe I am a weirdo.

Lately, I think when the impression of your image is formed, it is hard to change. The worst thing is that one of your obvious shortcomings or a period of hard times can represent you as a whole. It is like convicts who are released from prison. No matter what they do, once the impression of criminals is formed, it is almost impossible to get rid of this stigma. Even if you try really hard, you may still fail to change people’s perception. Sometimes old friends perceive you like the one you were in the old time. It is the old you that they know, but not the current you. The current you may seem unfamiliar.

A person who is immune to any chicken soup for the soul is not likely to expect anything for the new year. I can remain single for another year and keep listening to statements like “…that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend”. I can keep being worried about my hairline and listen to statements like “Jude Law is bald and he is still hot”. I mean, it is Jude Law we are talking about. I guess you can find a better consolation than that. Women can worry about getting out of shape but men should just accept their hairline is receding. I guess this can be a blessing as you don’t have to expect anything for your appearance afterward. Thus, the expectation for your potential partner is then lowered and the chance for you to get a partner is therefore greatly increased. What a blessing!

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