Most People Get Excited or Plan to Celebrate With Friends

So why am I sad?

It all started when I was a teenager.

I rode my bike daily to the nearby college tennis courts, where I’d practice serves and swings for hours in late afternoons and on weekends. I’d practice even more hours during summer break.

I hit tennis balls against a wall painted with a white net line.

Eventually, older guys — always guys — invited me to volley with them. The guys were able to direct tennis balls wherever they wanted. I learned that practicing with someone whose skills far exceeded mine was a great way to train. I eventually could match the guys’ volleys. I even developed a strong backhand swing. One guy — a professional tennis coach — helped me to improve my serve.

I tried out for the high school varsity tennis team and was surprised to be immediately accepted. I hit my stride after competing in a few tournaments with other schools.

I kept winning and moving up our team ladder until the day I beat the team’s top-ranked player, Amy Jo Mercer. She had probably had private tennis lessons since she was big enough to hold a racquet. She had occupied the top spot, uncontested, for over one year.

When I beat Amy Jo, she started weeping, insisting she could not lose. It was unacceptable in her family to accept defeat. Amy Jo was desperately attached to winning, and status.

I was not.

It made me uncomfortable, in fact. I told Amy Jo to report that she had won the match. We continued perpetuating that lie throughout the rest of the tennis season.

I’d never been encouraged to strive for the top. I was the only athlete in my family at that time. There have been numerous athletes — female and male — since that time.

In the 60s and 70s, ambition and accomplishment were not encouraged, especially for females. That’s not entirely true. My older sister got tons of family attention for being a bubbly cheerleader. I wanted to gain my family’s love and acceptance through athleticism.

Once that proved impossible, I abruptly quit both the sports I loved and was skilled in — — tennis and basketball.

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