2.11.2019

Today, I spent a pretty normal day at work.

Marked in the middle of the day by my supervisor letting me know that I should start transferring things over to her. I said, “but I’m just in this weird place where I’m still going to be here for two weeks, and I feel like I want to be doing something,” to which she replied, “yeah, and two weeks is going to go by like that. It’s really only ten days, and today is almost over, and…you know, it’ll be over before you know it.”

I was really “productive” today, too. I spent a lot of time doing a lot of things that needed to get done. I made some lists, finalized some things, made some offers, filled some roles, and checked things off. It did feel good.

But around 3:00pm, I texted Adam (my husband) and said my fingers were hurting from all the typing. I’d said, “too much. lol” and looked forward to when it would be over in 2 weeks. Instead of agreeing, lamenting that I still had two whole weeks to go, he told me that I could change things now. I could be kind to myself today. I think I typed something like “yeah” and got back to work, maybe after a brief (like really brief) pause.

It’s that culture again. The culture of “busyness” where it’s awesome to be super frickin’ busy all the time. You are, your friends are, your significant other sure as hell is, and no one has time for anything except to be busier and busier and let each other know all about how busy they really are.

I only broke out of it when it turned out our dog needed to go to the vet this afternoon for a last-minute appointment that they ended up having an opening for at 5:00pm. That meant I’d have to leave a few minutes early. Adam was at the shop with our car. No question about it, I was going to have to sign off.

It was liberating and freeing and made me feel like I had just emerged from underneath some watery depths where I had been holding my breath and rooting around in the mud for the last 7 hours. And when Adam texted me and said he could make it after all, I still met him there at the vet, because I had pulled myself far enough up out of the water that I could see land. I wanted to get the hell out of the dark, cold depths.

I spend my time worrying about not getting things done and what people will think of me when they realize I am not doing the things they want me to do.

I behave in ways that I feel will prevent that judgment from happening.

I am afraid constantly.

When I am alone in my office, I feel a huge release. I can suddenly make phone calls I was worried about making, or answer emails that I for some (subconscious) reason had been putting off or saving for later.

Perhaps working remotely is important? Both situations I’ve been in, my boss has been sitting directly across the room from me. I’ve interpreted every small comment, every interaction. Maybe there is a pattern there. Perhaps I need my own space to perform. To create. To feel safe.

Tomorrow, I’ll try to observe the space that I have created for myself. In both situations I’ve been in, my space has been shared and/or public enough that it wasn’t truly mine. For being a student of hygge, I’m really not doing it justice at my place of work, where I spend the majority of my day.

I was thinking today, perhaps I need to work for someone who is non-dominant. I think I would like working for someone who I don’t just bend to their will, but who genuinely wants to know what I think, or I am not afraid of their opinion so much that I don’t share my thoughts.

WHOA — ok, maybe that is it. It’s not about working for someone who is non-dominant (though I do think I’ve worked for a couple of badass ladies who knew their own opinions). It’s about ME feeling confident enough and brave enough to share my own thoughts and opinions, and to stand up for what I think even when it’s different from what they think.

And then, when whatever I think isn’t chosen as the way forward, to not take that as evidence that I should never think on my own ever again, or to ask for permission every time I do something going forward, but to file it away and use it to inform how I operate in the future.

OK, I really need to stop typing now, as my hands are really starting to hurt. :)

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